Why Outgrowing People Is a Sign of Self-Leadership, Not Selfishness
Not long ago, I walked away from a casual coffee catch-up with someone I’ve known for years. There was no dramatic fallout, no harsh words. Just a subtle, heavy feeling in my body that lingered long after we hugged goodbye.
I couldn’t quite name it at first.
But later, it hit me: I didn’t like who I was in that friendship anymore.
It’s a strange thing, isn’t it?
We expect change in careers, in seasons, in where we live and what we wear. We even expect to outgrow our hairstyles. But we rarely talk about what happens when we outgrow… people.
Especially the ones we’ve shared history with. The ones who’ve seen us through the breakdowns, the babies, the business launches. The ones who were everything in a particular chapter of life, but now?
Now they leave you feeling drained, guarded, or strangely invisible.
As a Clarity Coach working primarily with women in midlife, this theme consistently arises.
They come to me ready for a shift. A new direction. A new season. But often, what’s quietly bubbling beneath the surface is this:
“I’m tired of pretending in friendships that no longer fit.”
They’re not looking to burn bridges. They’re not looking for a fight. They just want to feel like they can exhale around the people they call friends.
To be celebrated, not tolerated. To feel expansive, not edited.
Friendship drama doesn’t disappear after high school. It just becomes more subtle, more “socially acceptable,” and more internalised.
We excuse bad behaviour as busyness. We stay quiet to “keep the peace.” We talk ourselves out of the discomfort by saying: It’s not that bad. I’m just being sensitive.
But sensitivity is not the problem. Sensitivity is a signal. A signal that something once safe may no longer be aligned.
Here’s the truth I’ve lived and witnessed again and again:
Self-leadership includes relationship clarity. Who energises you? Who drains you? Who can hold your growth without needing to shrink you?
Those questions might seem simple, but they cut to the core of identity in midlife. Because often, we’ve built entire support systems—friend groups, social networks, routines—around who we were, not who we’re becoming.
And that misalignment? It’s subtle… until it’s not.
Growth requires grief. Even in friendship.
You can honour the role someone played in your story and acknowledge they’re not part of your next chapter. You can let go with love. You can set boundaries without resentment. You can leave without a dramatic exit speech.
Clarity doesn’t always need a confrontation. Sometimes it just needs courage.
The women who are quietly gathering around me in this season? They’re not looking for perfection. They’re looking for presence.
Spaces where they can take off the mask. Say the hard thing. Be held in the tension between ambition and rest, clarity and confusion, independence and deep connection.
That’s what I’m building behind the scenes in The Lotus Collective. It’s not launched yet—but the right women are already circling. The ones who feel this. Who’ve evolved. Who’ve changed—and aren’t apologising for it.
If this landed, I invite you to sit with one question today:
“Where am I still performing loyalty to a version of me I’ve already outgrown?”
Because yes— You’ve changed. And maybe it’s time your relationships did too.
Let’s talk about that more.
